Posted by: PMS | February 10, 2008

Mediocrity

I’ve lived with mediocrity all my life.

I was always contented with what I was, with what I had, with what I was given.

I was honestly contented, and I was easily contented. I never saw the need to fight for things, never saw the need to fight for opportunities, never saw the need to fight for The Stage.

Just mediocre.

And that lack of ambition is precisely what made me who I am now.

Mediocre.

I had a bit of a quiet time just earlier on, amidst the bustling chingchong festive season.

I was watching some YouTube videos of this singer I like, and it hit me hard, exactly how mediocre I am, after watching how the singer “blossomed” as I watched the videos in approximate chronological order.

Perhaps it struck something in me because of the ‘proximity’ (for want of a better word).

It disgusts me, the way I actually allowed myself to be mediocre. We were offered the same (at least similar) opportunities, yet the singer had already climbed Way Up There, and I am still… me.

I was given chances. Many many chances. Chances that were thrown at my feet to let me step on, which would have propelled me Way Up There.

If only I had made good use of those chances. Perhaps I abused the chances given to me, because they were given to me. If I had to fight it out and grab those chances, instead of being offered on a silver platter, I might have had treasured them so much more, instead of waving them away like the spoilt princess I was, thinking that those opportunities would always be available to me somehow, due to connections.

I was the type that would never die out, because I would do (only) enough to stay afloat, yet I was also the type that would probably never shine (unless I did something about it), because I am lazy and full of shit excuses.

The ironic part is, I believe if you want to do something, then do it to the best. Otherwise, don’t even begin.

Yet to date, I have never excelled in anything, not studies, not sports, not singing.

I was always contented with what I had, and for some warped reason, I was contented being in the half-fucked category – neither the worst, nor the best.  I yearn for radical changes, yet I always felt for the need of familiarity, hence the perpetual struggle to decide whether to step out of my comfort zone, or simply remain status quo.

比上不足,比下有余。

How very apt.

Yep. That’s me.

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Responses

  1. you have a blog many read, you are now in australia furthering your studies, …i am sure you have also done many good things…cheer up! to catch up with other things tat are mediocre, there is still time…better late than never

  2. I just sent you a mail to your gmail.com addy about this… hope it got through. Didn’t want to try to put it here. Come on, get that pretty smile back up.

  3. u can see from her hits that NOT many read her blog, and those who do are linked from XX. so technically she get her hits from Xx. she have rich parents tts y she can go australia. nothing to do with results.

  4. well at least i can say she knows how to think and reflect on herself rather than someone liike u bagel.. spending ur time analysing other ppl’s life?

    well i guess no matter how low she puts herself.. its still a level better than hypocrites like u..

    and oh yea bagel, its not a sin to have rich parents.. jealousy one of ur better traits? well better brush it aside before its consumes u and sends u rotting in hell next time.. and if u really check into UNSW’s entry requirement.. u’ll find that u’ll need satisfactory results to enter..

    well at least i know i met her there.. dun know bout u though.. care to share?

  5. bagel, i agree with k and i pity you – please dont live life with green eyes, it aint do u no good. she had a pop blog and she changed a new one just to keep some privacy – i salute her, man. also, she may have good parents but you need no rich parents to go unsw – you need good results and willingness to work hard. you heard of got will mean got way?

  6. You know what? I used to be exactly like you! Mediocre. No ambition in life. My greatest ambition was to marry a good man, and build a happy family.

    I’m 25. So no life right?

    Something in me suddenly clicked. And right now, I’m planning to further my studies, get a degree, and excel in my sport. =)

    I guess I blossomed late.

    So don’t worry too much. Your time will come.


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